Hello, I haven’t written a blog post for a while. Life has gotten in the way and Lockdown 3 has zapped what little creativity I had left. I found myself with a couple of hours free this morning so I thought I’d put fingers to keyboard and write about Marriage.
This blog post is well timed since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. If you’ve followed my blog for a while you’ll know that I’m not the biggest fan of V day. I find it contrived and there is a massive consumer push behind it, read all about that here.
But anyways, yeah, marriage is today’s topic. I have been married for 8 years and before we got married I was with Adam for 8 years, so we’ve been together for 16 years. You can say we knew each other pretty well before we got married. Our marriage has been pretty much like our relationship pre-marriage; nothing much has changed but in the same breath everything has.
I remember feeling really overwhelmed the day after we got married. I was kinda in shock. It felt so permanent. I know this sounds daft but it suddenly made everything seem real. Adam was now officially my next of kin, he would be the one to make decisions for me if anything ever happened to me, joint ownership of assets and the fact that I was no longer a ‘Hackett’ really made me wobble. If I could do it all again, I would 100% keep my name. From a feminist point of view, also because I actually quite liked my name and people can’t tell the difference between Bowles and Bowels.
After a year together I knew I would end up marrying Adam. It’s all I ever wanted. I wasn’t arsed about the wedding. You know how most girls dream of their wedding day? Nah that wasn’t me. Hell, I even ordered my dress before trying it on, but that’s another story for another day. The actual wedding didn’t concern me, I just wanted to be married to him. The most important thing for me was to say the vows. Those meant the world to me. I’m a very literal person. When we got together I made him promise me 3 things. Always be honest with me, if you don’t want to be with me, finish it, don’t cheat and respect me. And, he always has. They were our vows to each other after 6 months and now that our relationship had moved on, the next set of vows were the most important things I’d ever say out loud.
Now, I’m painting all flowers and roses here and anyone close to me knows what our relationship is like! We aren’t exactly one of those couples who never have a cross word! We bicker, argue, snap and moan on a weekly basis. We wind each other up, we nag each other (he says I never nag him, he is a liar, I nag him all the time!) and we drive each other round the bend. Honestly, marriage is super hard work and let me try and break down why it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
There are so many things to consider here. It’s hard to live with the same person for years. Accepting your partner’s imperfections takes a huge amount of patience (something I that have nothing of) and also for them to accept yours. Also, we are always evolving and changing. You need your partner to be able to support you on your journey and grow with you. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges. Life is very different now to when we first got married. Now, we have a business, a mortgage, bills and pets. Back then we were floating around in Cyprus doing 2-3 shows a night with very few worries but it’s a different life to now.
I find it very difficult to be arsed after a fight. When we have a barney I just immediately shut down. ‘I can’t be arsed’ is my go to saying. I literally can’t be arsed. When we fight it’s usually because I flipped my lid because Adam has forgotten something. His memory and my lack of patience is 80% the reasons for our fights. I have to repeat myself constantly and it drives me round the BEND. Anyhow, breathe, so yeah, when we fight/bicker/argue I end up walking off to calm down and find myself going ‘I can’t be arsed anymore. I can’t be f******g arsed’ It’s my mantra. The thought of having to have ‘the talk’, sort it out, who’s gonna break first (it’s him, I can stay in a mood for a good week, I’m a stubborn cow) fills me with dread. But, we sort it out, we chat and it’s all good but it takes a lot and I know next week, will be another barney about the same thing and I’ll go through it all again!
I’ve realised the key to marriage is that you must never stop trying.
Every single day is a choice to stay married.
This is a great piece of advice.
Half of us walk, half of us stay.
There are many reasons why you should walk if it’s not for you. I’m not about staying in a marriage that’s not working. Life is too short. You’ve got to be happy. And this is it for me. I’m so happy. Adam makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. He is my life and my choice every single day is to stay married to him.
Even with all the nagging about his memory!
Thanks for reading,
See you all on the next one,