I’ve been on both sides. Skinny and fat.
Aren’t those words horrible? Here’s the thing – I’ve hated myself in both worlds.
The grass isn’t always greener. Strange things happen when you go from being slim to bigger. Some people think that you don’t notice their reaction the first time they see you after your weight gain. We do. Some people also think it’s acceptable to tell you look good when you’ve lost weight. It’s not.
I don’t know what the point of this blog post is to be honest. It’s quite carthic to get it all down. So I’m just going to ramble.
I hated it when I put on weight. I literally hated myself. I would look at pictures of myself and cry. I would film videos for my YouTube channel and then delete all the footage cos I hated how I looked. I wouldn’t buy any new clothes in my new size cos that would be admitting my new size. I wouldn’t let Adam take any pictures of me. I would literally tear myself to pieces. It would be awful. But to be honest I would do the same when I was slim. I would eat something and then destroy myself with the guilt for eating it. I would constantly examine myself in the mirror when I’d eaten something to see how big I’d got. I’d starve myself before an audition to make sure I’d look my best. On the outside, I’d look good – I was thin. But inside I was a shell. No energy, gaunt, hungry and I was knackered most of the time!
People seemed to look past me when I was bigger. When I was slimmer I got more attention. Not just male attention but attention in general. When I was bigger I felt invisible. I felt the need to prove that I was once thin and pretty; prove that I hadn’t always been the size I was. How mad is that? Generally, I couldn’t give 2 fucks what people thought of me but now it’s a different matter. I’ve definitely lost my head over the past couple of years. But you know what has helped me over these 2 years? Time. Time has been such a great help for me to realise the toxic mindset I was in. I started working out like a maniac last year to lose weight and guess what? It didn’t last. I lost a stone, then put a stone back on. Lockdown life. I was determined to lose weight but I was doing it all wrong. Obsessed with getting thin. Ridiculous! We were in a global pandemic and there’s me doing like 40 different types of burpees. What a bloody show!
I gave up. I beat myself up cos I didn’t finish Courtney Black’s 30-day challenge. In the grand scheme of things, who bloody cares!? Courtney Black wasn’t right for me looking back. The whole 28-day challenge was far too intense and there were too many triggers back to my body dysmorphia and eating disorder.
I needed to do something that I enjoyed. That’s what happens I guess when I was dancing all the time. Dancing is a great workout and luckily for me, I loved to dance. Dancing never felt like a job. It kept me fit without me thinking about working out. I never did anything else alongside my dancing, I didn’t need to!
If you follow me on Instagram you’ll know that we recently purchased a Peloton. I’m actually obsessed. We’ve only had it since December but I can’t believe that I’ve lived without it for so long. In 2 months my headspace has changed…completely.
I feel stronger, fitter, calmer, more controlled and I swear most of it is down to my Peloton. For the first time in years when I look in the mirror, I’m not tearing myself to shreds.
I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of my body issues. They’ll always be there but I deal with it differently now. I’m stronger. So much stronger. I am not defined by the numbers in clothes anymore. Nor am I defined by other people’s descriptions of me “You know, Emma, the skinny one” or more recently “You know, Emma, the one that’s put weight on”.
If you’re struggling with your body then this is for you. Life is too short. You get one body. Treat it like something you love. Stop tearing yourself down. Make healthy choices sure but don’t then let those choices control your life. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time, talk and love yourself.
Anyhow, I’m going to leave it there before I go way deep, but I hope you enjoyed reading this random blog post!
See you all on the next one!